When I went through pregnancy and new motherhood , every single moment was a learning experience. I wanted to share and document those profound instances. I
was sure I would write a book on it. And with passing time, I hoped to atleast
blog some of them in a series of posts. Eventually they were limited to discussions, with others who
were in the same boat and those were going to ride one soon. Before all my
knowledge evaporates in the heat of daily fire, I need to log them in
any manner, in any size post.
Every woman has a very different experience and new things
can be learnt from each woman. There are so many things common, it
makes sense to do what others did, rather than spend energy inventing the wheel. The best woman to start with is, your own mother. Talk to her about
how pregnancy and delivery went for her. Genetics plays an unimaginable role. Your own experience could be a
variation of it, because you are your own person and technology has totally
changed in the last few decades. But it’s a great starting point to learn. If I
were to share my learning's with you here it is.
Pregnancy and Delivery
Maternity
clothes do need attention. Loose or non-constricting clothes do matter. In the
country of saree & salwar suit, I wished they would categorize nightie as office
professional wear. This was before I discovered Maxi. Not to forget comfy
underwear, nursing bras and front opening nighties. Buy them in bigger size,
because the privates are going to be bigger than usual for the 2 trimesters plus the baby-feeding months.
If
you are considering new house, ensure hospital, grocery, laundry and elevator are
nearby. If not, then know the easiest routes to those important places,
The wait in the last month is just endless. Do maintain your
body flexibility. Go for walks when you can. Do checkout the permitted exercises. Ex: being on your fours (palms and knees) is good, as it takes the pressure off back. There are a lot more safe Yoga exercises.
I drank lukewarm water during the winter months, as I was down with cold and during the last month. I do not have any scientific evidence, but it relaxed my insides.
Swollen feet is a painful problem. Maybe it’s unavoidable in
the last 2 months. It gets fine
immediately after delivery. But it’s best to push it’s onset as late as
possible. I went on overnight bus journey in my 5th month and my
feet ballooned up. It made walking painful. Bones in my own feet felt like pins
on my cushiony feet muscles. I used to rest my feet on 3-4 pillows while in
bed; so the bloating could flow down. Or soak in in a bucket of hot water with
salt.
Back
pain is something we should strive to avoid. Eventually in pregnancy, back
distress is going to come up. After delivery, take bed rest for the whole 2
months. Stay home with kid for 2 months. Sleep when she sleeps. Don’t do any
extra work for the 2 months. After that anyway there is endless work. These 2
months of rest will let your back and body repair, and become stronger. It will
also help avoid back-pain in older age. Such
2 months of bed-rest sounds like a luxury of ladies who can afford maternity
leave or those who have help at home. Ladies who need to get back to work soon,
those with older kids or someone who needs daycare will find it impossible to
take this kind of downtime. It’s only a guideline to give your body some
well-deserved rest for a stretch of time immediately after delivery. Body has
been through a major change for 9 months and a major upheaval during delivery.
Since everything looks the same from outside and everyday someone delivers a
kid or because memory of our own experience has faded, it’s easy to
under-estimate the whole thing. But it is not something to kid about. Blessed
are the countries who have implemented ‘Right to Payment while on Maternity
Leave’ policies. A mother gives birth not just for her own motivations. New
life brings new hope for the entire society.
Topic
of Epidural is way more complicated than to be tackled in a blog post. It’s
best to discuss it with Doctor. My personal experience - I did not receive any
epidural as my kids arrived before their due date. One thing I would recommend is
HOT shower when contractions start mildly. I took HOT shower, changed to
nightie and left for hospital. That hot shower helps in body relaxation.
My
kids were born way before date. It was amazing time. I followed the “What to
Expect when Expecting” book and was sure the delivery would be on the exact
date. I refused to believe that what I felt were contractions, because the book
did talk about false alarm. I refused to go hospital to avoid any embarrassment
of being sent back. I stayed home till I actually started screaming loudly
without any care. And then it was a rush to hospital. Hubby drove and he
stopped the car every single time I strong contraction came along; because the
road bumps were added discomfort for me.
With this surprise, I did not have a Hospital bag ready. Hubby had to go back
and forth a lot to get my stuff - toothbrush, camera, few clothes for the
time of stay. Hospitals do give a lot of stuff like diaper, thermometer, etc.
So check with yours. Afterwards for home you will need diapers, sanitary
napkins, breast-pads, nursing bras, etc.
Another preparation you need, is to stockup on the
post-partum nutrition.
Traditionally in India, a lot of energy balls (laddoos) are made to provide
energy and aid digestion (which is pretty messed up in a new mother). My Mom
made them and kept it going for 2 months. I did not note their recipes. My
MIL made
Jirvani and
Meva ka laddoo. USA equivalent
of it are the good quality energy bars, snacks, dry and fresh fruits. Its good to stockup on those. Immediately
after delivery, you might get hungry at midnight too. This is apart from your
regular meals. Every morning, my
MIL gave me a glass of warm milk mixed with sugar, turmeric, cashew, raisins, almonds & coconut flakes. Key thing being items high on nutrition and energy.
Don’t
worry about weight. After delivery, you keep losing weight for next 5-6 months. Actual
weight gain will happen around 8-12 months. Persistent late nights, odd hours snacking
and out-of-control emotions upset any decent control we have on our food and
exercise. You have nothing to worry till 6-8 months after delivery. Just relax
and enjoy your time with baby!
New Mother
In this chaos and elation of delivery, all undesirable thoughts get pushed away. We might refuse to believe anything bad exists in the universe or refuse to see it at all. This is the situation when we may write away cheques to relatives or friends looking for loan and regret later. This is the time we might choose not to take baby studio pictures and regret having missed the moment. In this moment of elation, we may give away our choice of name, middle name or last name, and later wish we did not. Sometimes this life event may get timed along with other life events like a job change, new house, country movement, higher education or financial status change either-way. Life will have its other ups and downs.
In hindsight, all this may seem funny. But this range of event , combined together in this happy stage of life, could bump up the pressure, shoot up the
stress level and really overwhelm both parents. And that means, not to be shy or frugal about taking help. Those who said "it takes a village.." were not kidding.
Here are some of my learning's, which I usually talk about in person. So here it goes:
IGNORE the
pressure & guilt that comes with
motherhood. Just focus on the baby & related responsibilities. Everything
else can come back on track gradually, after baby is 2-3 years.
Pressure: like societal pressure of how mother should be,
how to look, how the baby should look or be taken care of, etc etc. In movies & popular culture, they show all
lovey-dovey mother & infants. It is not always like that. It is okay if you
are not all gushing with love after delivery. And that is because your physical
& chemical changes are way too much. Its okay for others in the family, to fawn
over baby for that month or so, while you cant.
Guilt: that anything happens, its mothers fault. You do
this, mother is wrong. You do that,
mother is wrong. Every tiny thing is scrutinized and judgement passed by every moving ant.
A sample of how I felt -
here.
Basically relax and handle the job at hand. All this
pressure & guilt are useless. Because there is never a right answer; just immense choices.
Next step, network with other young mothers. The more
you all talk, the more tips you get on how to handle certain things. It lets
you let off some steam. Its always helpful. Usual group dynamics will be there. You may not like some of
the ladies. But it's always better than being by yourself. No matter who the
lady (your circle, your distant relative, colleges, their wife, anyone), just
talk, talk & talk :) We learn from others experiences, other learn from ours. Its not possible to invent solution every single time.
When baby throws up, or doesn't drink milk from bottle or so many other
situations. Talking with other young mothers gives you tips, which you can't
think up, in the heat of situation. Esp when the infant is crying, my brain just shuts down. Only thing which helps me is what my mom or other mothers that I know, did in a
similar situation.
Be one step ahead. Babies cry only if they hungry or sleepy or tired or
need diaper change. If those things are taken care of in advance, then they cry
less. Even now that my kids are 4-7, anytime they look cranky, I drop everything else and make them eat or sleep. :D
Then there will be times, when they cry for no reason.
Esp when we are in hurry or in some embarrassing situation (like a shop or plane
or restaurant). Our brain will freeze. But can’t help it. Just be patient. Its
okay if they cry. Everybody around us know kids cry, even they would have gone
through it.
About messy house, oh kids house & single/bachelor
house are totally different. Its fine to have a messy house - that's how a kids
house is supposed to be. Things are not going to be in their place. Take help when needed - cleaners, babysitter, anybody.
Setup playdates. Even young infants like to be among
people, to see the blue sky. Isolation is very unhealthy. Be among people.
There is lot of online help. So many mommy-blogs where they share their experience. Babycenter site send weekly mail, which is a
blessing. I registered for both of mine. And I still get these mails. It always
has accurate info for the kid, at that age in that week. More specialized online training must also help. There are so much overwhelming feelings, there are so many physical, chemical and schedule changes after baby, that unpredictable things can happen.
After few months, even if you don't have free time, indulge in a
hobby. Online activity does not count. Write a diary, or train for some competition (photography, art, music, flash-mob dance, race, anything). Join any association which has some activities. Bring your old forgotten hobbies back.
Be ready to take a million photos of the toothless mouth smiling & laughing. It is the cutest, most beautiful thing in the whole world ! :)
Pregnancy, delivery and new motherhood are a building block of every society and also the most taken for granted ones. Those going through it will have their minds blown (and other parts too). Eventually the pain and experience dims. And it enriches us along the the way.
Mandatory Buzzfeed lists:
Others
Fowl Language Comics are the best. The Best. I can't recommend enough. I could not pick one to share here. All of them are gems.
